Throughout summer I have been setting very strong intentions to be in service to my Womb. To enter this divine communion with my Womb as the oracle between my physical reality and other dimensions of my existence. I believe some time in August I did an intentional ritual of marrying my consciousness to my soul. I feel strongly that my Womb is the portal of my soul. So I wrote this decree:
I devote myself fully to Divine Union with my Womb. I initiate myself into the multidimensional mysteries of my Womb. I choose pleasure, wealth, nourishment, bliss and pure beauty for my life. I am protected, guided, anointed and adorned under the Law of Eternal Life. So it is.
Ever since then my Womb has been leading me deeper into my body. One of the first guidances I received was to align myself with my monthly cycle. I have been observing my patterns for awhile, however there was a period in my life where I did not fully accept my female cycle due to questionable origins of the menstrual cycle. I believe that originally, the primordial women did not bleed. And that us bleeding is one of the spells that the fall of humanity has caused.... Anyway, I innerstood that I still need to align myself and honor where I am. I saw how fighting this hormonal cycle within me is not going to help me in any way and that I need to be an alchemist and do the best with what I have. This is also why I chose to work with the moon again. I need to fully lean into this experience of honoring my cycle and moon magic in order to take my power from these paradigms in the future! By fighting my menstrual cycle I was only disconnecting myself from my own body.
With that being said, I started honoring my bleed. Shortly after the ritual of devotion to my womb I went outside and was free bleeding in the forest, while dancing and feeling free and wild, soaking in the fresh air and just being one with nature. The next cycle... which was my recent bleed took me deeeeeep into the underworld. So when the second half of my luteal phase came I started feeling the veils thinning. The physical 3d world was becoming more blurry, while my subconscious world was getting more tangible. I was descending. Unable to grasp to any form of solid matter, I was falling, falling, falling....into the shadows. My physical reality was reflecting back to me my inner state. The whispers of Lilith, the branches of big trees swaying in the fog, the deep drumming of the shaman... darkness. Illusions enveloping me. Voices. Demons. are these my demons? I want to play with them haha. No! They will ruin you, fight them! I'm losing my mind, what is wrong with me?
During this descent I entered a huge soul retrieval portal. Basically an old identity of mine came through. This identity that I speak of is the stripper identity. Yes, I used to be a stripper. And when I had my first wave of spiritual awakening back in 2018 I basically left a part of me in that stripper consciousness. it means that certain energy of mine, certain behaviors, certain ambitions, specific aspect of my ESSENCE were left by me, hidden in this other identity. when you leave a part of you in a different identity, you are not whole. That part of you will keep calling for you to claim it back into your body. This is what was happening in my case. For awhile I have been feeling extremely uncomfortable with my current financial situation and the stripper identity triggered this specific financial discomfort of mind, calling me to go to work at a strip club again. Whenever I would smoke cannabis it anchored me more in my heart and only when I was high I was able to think more clearly. I felt like when I was sober I was possessed by this stripper identity. my priorities were different, I didn’t care about love as much. All I saw was that I need to go shake my ass, I need to go experience money being thrown at me again. I need to go make this fast money. I need to go be dark, be seductive, be manipulative. I need to go embody the stripper. Now, mind you I am in a divine, beautiful union with the love of my life. This isnt just some relationship. This is a divine union written in the cosmos and felt throughout all dimensions. our union has no beginning and no end. Our souls have always been together. This is the kind of relationship I am talking about. Where our hearts can communicate, we feel each other deeply, we are best fucking friends. We are each others dream partners. This is the biggest blessing in my life. So with this stripper identity coming through me I was not seeing this blessing. When I smoked I did feel it and I was overcome with absolute terror as to what the fuck am I doing.
When I was sober I would research the closest strip clubs near me, I even applied at one. So this lasted for about 2 and a half days. My partner and I were having very difficult conversations about what would happen to our union if I went through with this, if I actually went to work at a strip club and dance butt ass naked for other men. The stripper identity was delighted about this. She thinks that this is me being free and wild and embodying my full power. I was being fed all kinds of ideas, that I need to be free, I need to go make money the only way I know how. and I was believing these things because there is truth in them. However, I was facing the possibility of ruining the most sacred thing I have - my divine union with the love of my life. As a man, he would not be okay knowing I am stripping for other men. And that is totally understandable. When I was 18, 19 and 20 I was deep in sex work industry. I was a stripper, and that was my life. I was living the life of drunk every day, revenge on men through seduction, threesomes, night life full on. So the part of me that I left in that consciousness thinks this lifestyle is totally normal. If I went through with this intense temptation to go back, I would be initiating a totally different dynamic between myself and my man. We would be entering a so called open relationship where I would freely be a stripper and he would become a player. WE would not be so called restricted by our relationship. During these difficult conversations we tapped into that timeline, to see what it would be like.... and all I felt was this empty, closed heart dynamic. it would be the finite timeline. Whenever I would feel what it would be like for us to break up and not be together, all I saw was death. I felt death. I couldnt imagine living a life without him. Yes I would have the illusion of having power over other men, I would use my seductive energy and feel oh so powerful. I would make lots of fast money... but at what cost??? I feel that in today's world people are very confused and manipulated by revenge. Women want revenge on men, men want revenge on women and everyone is so afraid of love yet everyone wants love. People close their hearts out of fear of being hurt, therefore hurting themselves and each other. I'm sure lots of people would encourage me to go through with this strip club thing, saying that it is empowering to do so and I shouldn't let my relationship with my beloved “restrict me”. That is the biggest fucking illusion. and I innerstood it.
What I faced during this retrieval portal was the crossroads of two different timelines. The finite timeline in which I would be this rich bad bitch stripper, my man would be this player. And the organic timeline where we build together. In love, loyalty, honesty, devotion. AS the finite timeline was pulling me with full force I felt that it would require me to sacrifice all that is sacred to me. that felt too much like selling myself for money and power. It took me a lot of strength during this moment to choose eternal love. In the confusion of this stripper identity coming through with different values and morals I had to truly surrender to my heart to choose the organic timeline. When I did this, I literally felt dark clouds above to begin to clear up. and this blissful, peaceful calm embraced me. on this day I actually began bleeding heavy. The luteal phase transformed into the bleed, the rebirth. So, during the last few days of my luteal, I quite literally faced death, I faced the illusions, the shadows and with all my strength I chose eternal love. I see wealth in what is sacred in my life I see wealth in family that I am building. I see wealth in my divine union with the most important person in my life. I see wealth in my soul. I see wealth in my innocence. I see wealth in my life now. True, eternal wealth. As I began to process wtf really happened I innerstood that I retrieved my own essence from the stripper identity. I took in this ego structure into my being, felt its death and shedding and integrated MY organic essence that was trapped in this false structure!!!!!! I remember falling to the floor in total despair, crying, feeling this haunting emptiness within me. Seeking the point in life. Now I know it was the stripper architecture dying. It was trying to trap me deeper into its web, yet by holding it, seeing it, and choosing eternal love, I was able to alchemize it. There was a moment where I just had to pray. Even though I didn't fully feel it. I didn't really want to. But I just prayed to Mother Father God to hold me and to show me what I need to do. I believe that definitely helped me pull me away from the doom of the finite timeline and to choose eternal life. Yes choosing eternal love is key in alchemy. Non judgment, yet neutral observing and choosing eternal love. I definitely want to note that in no shape or form am I judging sisters who are strippers. We are all doing our best with what we have. We have different paths, different lineages, different instructions from our higher selves.
In my specific case, going to be a stripper now would be quite literally detrimental to my life. Also, in no way shape or form am I demonizing money and seduction. These essences are very intricate and are the biggest tools that the finite beings utilize in manipulating humans, which means that money, seduction and sexuality are the most powerful channels and we must retrieve them into organic structures. Judgement does not get us anywhere, only further fragmentation. Because the nature of divine feminine is a spiral like, petal opening lotus, I am sure that there will be more soul retrieval portal coming in when it comes to seduction, money, sexuality and so forth. There is more to retrieve. This recent experience showed me how intense it can get with the different feelings, emotions, thoughts coming through. I now hold on to what is sacred and pure in my life.
So having experienced this, I now see that women literally go through death and rebirth every month. When we are conscious of this we become priestesses. Luteal phase is a descent into the underworld where the current ego structure sheds, completely melting into the void of our wombs, getting alchemized in our inner cauldrons. With the flow of the blood we rebirth into a new identity. Each month with our intention, the new, reborn identity is closer and closer to be the pure vessel for your soul. Not every luteal phase has to be as intense as my recent one. I believe that it was this intense because of the cosmic events happening at the same time. We just entered the eclipse season. Lots of shedding, rebirth, and illumination happening as above so below. Every luteal phase takes us into our subconscious and the more intentional we are, the more trusting we are the more powerful the rebirth. I am open to hold space as well for those who feel the call to dive deeper into priestess work, so reach out to me on instagram @tantrikrebel and I will be happy to assist you.
Comments